Depression: When you’re just done.

“ What people never understand is that depression isn’t about the outside; It’s about the inside.” – Jasmine Warga.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling, this is for you.

When we are at rock bottom we don’t have any energy for anything. We feel addicted to being sad and the sadness will creep up on you. It’s like one second you’re happy and the next second you feel guilty for even smiling. Why does it all feel hopeless? When you go out with friends all you really want to do is be home in bed. You feel like you’re drowning and everyone around you is breathing and living life to the fullest. No one understands you at all. All we ever hear is

“Think good thoughts.” –  “Just be positive.” – “It’s in the past” as if these words would help. We feel like we are being suffocated by something every single day. It’s so tiring. It’s so exhausting. When we are depressed, real depression, we have to fight every single day to stay alive. Imagine fighting everyday for your life, fighting when you’re tired as hell, fighting to stay alive when every part of you just wants to rest and call it quits.  Suicide is on your mind everyday. You find yourself saying, “I have had enough. I’m done. No one understands me and I’m just a burden to everyone around me. I hate telling people how I feel because they don’t understand, they’ll tell me the same advice, I hate telling people how hurt I really am inside because they don’t really care. They’re tired of hearing me all the time being sad. I want help, but I’m oddly enough happy in my sadness. I’m use to being sad that happiness doesn’t even seem like an option. All this pain I feel inside I now feel it outside, and my heart hurts, but so does my body. I like to sleep because at least than I get a break from my own thoughts from my own brain who became my enemy. I became my own enemy. I lost myself. I want out. I no longer control my own mind, my own thoughts, they control me. My demons have an upper hand on me and I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of feeling nothing. I hate how I look, I hate how everything feels so heavy inside of me. My heart just hurts all the time, the butterflies in my stomach seem to have gone extinct. I just don’t understand what I did to deserve any of this, where is God? Why did he allow all of this to happen? I cry I feel so bad for myself, but I don’t want anyone else to know how I feel like. My silence is so loud and no one can hear me. “

If you feel like this I wrote this for you.

Why do I feel Depressed?

I want to remind you what you’re feeling right now is okay. That not being okay, it totally okay. It’s okay, to cry in fact cry as much as you can. It’s okay to not feel anything at all too. It’s okay to say no to everyone, It’s okay to give yourself time and space. That every single emotion you feel within yourself is completely okay to feel. You feel that way so no I won’t sit here and say how it’s wrong that you want to end your life. Who am I and who are they to tell you that what you are feeling is wrong? I mean you feel it, it’s there right? How can it be wrong? I won’t tell you that what you’re feeling is wrong, but I will be the one to say that the way you’re looking at it is wrong. You’re depressed because you are doing too much of what doesn’t make you happy and doing too little of what does make you happy. You’re depressed because you’re hanging around with people who are negative who make fun of your appearance. You’re depressed you are carrying things that you never did let go of. There are many reasons why you are depressed. Depression doesn’t just happen to broke people who have nothing, it also happens to rich people who have everything. What this means is that when you have that fancy new car you won’t be happy then. When you finally meet “the one” you won’t be happy then. When you get a million dollars you won’t be happy then. We live in a strange age where we have more things around us to allow us to be happy, but somehow we are still sad. If you’re reading this chances are you live in a country that is pretty wealthy, but it’s in these countries that seem to have the most resources for people, where people feel the most empty. It is because we are taught that all these things around us is what true success is. We are taught that  “couple goals” on instagram is actually real life goals. We are taught that the big ripped dude that’s on steroids online is the body we should be having naturally. We are taught that sex and giving our body up countlessly is somehow okay. We are taught that the new 2019 car will make our whole being happy. We are taught by social media to compare. What I am trying to say is we are taught that if we allow ourselves to receive and give ourselves what our desires want than that’ll make us happy.That is not the case, often times you’ll realize, you keep getting your desires ,but you still aren’t truly happy. Let me tell you that your happiness doesn’t come from an outside source or thing. Happiness is something you produce from within. The same way you can produce your happiness from within is the same way you can also develop depression. With every thought you can sink or swim and when you’re depressed you’re drowning. I know there are scientifically chemical imbalances that occur in your brain when you are in depression, and I’m not saying doctors will or won’t help, but I am a firm believer that you can cure depression by yourself. It has also been proven scientifically that with every thought you have and choose to think you can reshape your brain. When you’re depressed what happens is you unconsciously chose to think negative thoughts so often that you now live in a world of darkness. You now can’t really control or choose your thoughts, but if anything your thoughts choose how you feel, you are no longer you.

What does depression really mean?

When you are depressed it all starts from your spirit, your soul, your energy, your higher-self, whatever you want to call it but it starts from “you” the person inside your body. Life isn’t meaningless and we aren’t here on earth by pure luck. The world has a deeper meaning to everything and yes, that means us too. We have a soul and are here for a reason. I’ll help you look at this in a better way. Here, let’s picture our life as a video game and we are simply a character. Our body does whatever we want it to do, but the person controlling it is you (the one controlling the avatar). When you want to kill yourself and when you are in extreme depression, that means all three parts of yourself aren’t happy with your life and that feeling of lack of happiness and pain in the body is “you” telling yourself it’s time for a change. It no longer is happy with your habits, your choice of friends, your choice of thoughts, your choice of lifestyle. It in general is tired and yes that’s why the unhappy feeling is so extreme because it has reached rock bottom deep down in  your soul.

   So bringing it back to the feeling of ending your life and killing yourself. Why do I say that this feeling isn’t wrong because it’s how you feel it’s totally okay to feel that way but the way most of us look at it is wrong. We want to kill ourselves physically when the pain and unhappiness comes from our soul. The unhappiness doesn’t start from our physical body, the pain turns physical because your soul is unhappy so your brain follows and the negative thoughts already lingering around then transfer to your body and that’s when physical pain from.  your body hears everything your brain says, think about it, why every time you think of a negative ‘what if” or of something bad you get weird stomach feelings and chills down your spine. It’s because your body is nothing but a slave to the mind. You are what you think you are. When you want to kill yourself you don’t want to kill yourself physically but want to kill the old you, the old friends, the old thoughts, the old habits, the old same lifestyle, that’s the part of you that you want to kill, not your physical body. Thats why so many people hit rock bottom and have depression and become a new person. Because they killed the part of themselves that was toxic. I’ll use myself for example, in 2015 I developed  depression/hit rock bottom I was cutting myself, unhappy with my life and heartbroken at the moment. All the wrong combinations. I carried heavy luggage throughout my life from my childhood into that current moment. From being bullied about my appearance, to being a rude angry kid, to losing my dad, being involved with drugs and many more things and to top it all off having my heartbroken and going to a broken home. I didn’t have any friends and here I was begging God for help. The same God I was often questioned and became angry towards. I became new as I starting doing the opposite of everything I was doing before depression, instead of parties I went to workout, Instead of talking negatively towards myself I talked myself up, Instead of blaming God I begin to get closer and learn more about God. Instead of not wanting help I actually realized I needed God’s help. Instead of being rude and mean, I became conscious of what I would say and do to others. I no longer worried what people would say about me as I became new and killed my old self. So please before doing anything and hurting yourself just know, yes the pain you do to yourself might help you focus on that pain for the moment, but that’s not where the pain is coming from. You don’t want to kill your physical body, what you want to do is kill your old ways. For the moment crawl and slowly start paying attention to your thoughts and realize how those thoughts aren’t real life and how they are lies. Every time you have bad thought you stand up and fight. I don’t care if you’re on the floor barely fighting you stand up and you tell those demons, those thoughts that they are liars. Depression is your whole being telling you it’s time to try again, not that it’s over.

What do you do?

In the same way if you’re feeling depressed and feeling hopeless. I won’t tell you to think positively because that’s optimism in denial, in fact I will tell you to do positive. Do things that help you focus on the task on hand instead of laying in bed having those negative thoughts beat you up. Go on a hike, go do physical exercise, go walk your dog. Go read a book and if during those activities your thoughts are getting worse, keeping doing those activities because even if you don’t see it yourself that’s you fighting back. Hang around positive people that put good thoughts and ideas in your head, I don’t mean friends that will hand you a drink and couple pills to hide the pain or the friends that’ll tell you get over it. No, I mean good positive friends that’ll take you out on a drive, a coffee date and give you some of their peace. If you’re completely at rock bottom and need serious help I suggest allow God to help. I didn’t believe in God when I was in depression in fact I questioned even more. I realized day by day I somehow kept moving and somehow I was moving forward with no help from any friends, just myself or at the least that’s what I thought. It was God helping me the whole time. God is close to the broken hearted. If you really are hopeless ask God for help.  What else do you have to lose? This life is full of seasons. We have spring, summer, fall and winter. We are part of this world, we will also have seasons in our lives. So even though it might be cold in your winter and you might feel numb, I suggest you don’t just call it quits you keep crawling if you must but you must keep moving and soon you will realize that you’re okay. You’re content and that you are starting to find yourself again. You will realize just how much stronger you got and just how beautiful you really are.

2 thoughts on “Depression: When you’re just done.

  1. Extremely well written, validating, and well worded. Depression can almost feel like a weakness and a drug at times but It’s not a weakness or a flaw, It’s simply an emotion and mental illness and is rather a Strength. Struggling with depression daily and just by making it through another day you’re proving how strong you are and it’s such an achievement just to make it through another day. So celebrating the small things can be rather helpful. Thank you for this post.


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